How to Be a Bad Emperor Read online

  (2) He held his third and fourth consulships in name only, content with the power of dictator decreed at the same time as the consulships. Furthermore, in both of those years for the last three months he substituted two consuls for himself. The result was that during this period, he held elections only for the tribunes and the aediles. To administer affairs in the city of Rome in his absence, he appointed praetorian prefects. When a consul suddenly died on the last day of the year, however, he did give the vacant office for a few hours to a man who sought it.

  (3) With equal presumption he broke with tradition and arranged the magistrates for several years in advance, gave consular insignia to ten praetors, and admitted into the Senate men who had just been granted citizenship, including even some half-civilized Gauls. He also put his own household slaves in charge of the mint and state revenues and he entrusted the supervision and command of the three legions that he had left in Alexandria to Rufio, a male prostitute who was the son of a freedman of his.

  77. Just as outrageous were remarks that he made in public, which Titus Ampius notes: “The republic is nothing, a name only, without body or shape. Sulla did not know his ABCs, seeing as he gave up the dictatorship. Men ought to speak more carefully with me now and treat what I say as law.” He reached such a point of arrogance that once, when a soothsayer reported that the entrails were unfavorable and lacked a heart, Caesar said: “They will be more favorable, when I wish it; and besides, an animal lacking a heart should not be considered a bad omen!”

  78. But it was through the following action especially that he stirred up deep and deadly feelings of hatred toward himself. When the senators as a body came to him with many highly honorific decrees, he received them in front of the Temple of Venus Genetrix without rising. Some believe that he tried to get up and was held back by Cornelius Balbus, others that he made no such effort but in fact looked scornfully at Gaius Trebatius, who urged him to stand.

  (2) This deed of Caesar seemed all the more intolerable because of an incident that happened at one of his triumphs. He was riding past the benches of the tribunes, and when Pontius Aquila, a member of the college, did not stand up, Caesar cried out in anger: “Well tribune Aquila, take back the republic from me!”2 For several days he would not promise anything to anyone without adding the caveat, “Provided, of course, Pontius Aquila allows it.”

  79. To this insult, which made his contempt for the Senate so clear, he added an act of even greater arrogance. It happened when he was returning from the Latin festival. Amid extravagant and unprecedented cheers of the people, a man from the crowd placed on a statue of Caesar a laurel crown, with a white ribbon tied to it.3 When the tribunes Epidius Marullus and Caesetius Flavus ordered the ribbon removed from the crown and the man imprisoned, Caesar attacked the tribunes harshly and deprived them of power. He was upset either that the mention of kingship had come off so poorly or, as he claimed, that the glory of refusing it had been snatched away from him.

  (2) After this he was not able to shake off the odium of having sought the title of king. To be sure, when the people greeted him as king, he replied that he was Caesar, not king. And when, during the Lupercalia, the consul Antonius a number of times placed a crown on the head of Caesar, as he sat on the speaker’s platform, Caesar rejected it and sent it to the Capitol as an offering for Jupiter Greatest and Best.4

  (3) There even was a set of rumors circulating that Caesar was going to move to Alexandria or Troy, taking all of the empire’s money with him, draining Italy by levies, and leaving oversight of Rome to his friends; moreover, at the next meeting of the Senate, Lucius Cotta, the quindecimvir, would recommend that since it was stated in the prophetic books that the Parthians could only be conquered by a king, Caesar should be called king.5

  80. It was for this reason the conspirators sped up their plans, so they would not have to give their assent to this proposal.

  And so plots which previously had formed sporadically, involving two or three men at a time, all came together into one. Even the people were unhappy with the way things were, and both privately and publicly attacked Caesar’s tyranny and called for champions of their liberty. (2) After some foreigners were made members of the Senate, a sign was posted: “For the good of Rome—let no one offer to show a new senator to the Senate-house!”

  These verses also were frequently sung:

  Caesar marched the Gauls in triumph,

  then into the Senate-house.

  Then the Gauls took off their trousers,

  and put on the purple stripe.6

  When Quintus Maximus, appointed consul in Caesar’s place for three months, entered the theater and the lictor ordered that he be recognized in the traditional way, everyone cried out: “He’s no consul!”

  (3) After Caesetius and Marullus were removed as tribunes, at the next election they received a number of votes for the consulship.

  Some wrote on a statue of Lucius Brutus: “If only you were still alive!” And on a statue of Caesar himself:

  Brutus was our founding consul, since he

  drove the kings from Rome.

  Now since this man drove out consuls,

  he at last became a king.

  (4) More than sixty men took part in the conspiracy against him, with Gaius Cassius and Marcus and Decimus Brutus taking the lead.7 They hesitated at first whether to form two groups at the elections in the Field of Mars (when Caesar would call the tribes to vote), with some throwing him from the voting bridge, while others waited below to stab him; or to attack him on the Sacred Way or at the entrance to the theater. But after a meeting was called for the Ides of March in the Hall of Pompey, it was an easy choice to go with that time and place.8

  81. There were clear signs that made Caesar’s murder known in advance. A few months before, settlers established by the Julian law in the colony of Capua were demolishing some very old tombs so that they could build their farmhouses. They were doing this all the more eagerly because, in examining the remains, they found a considerable number of vases of ancient craftsmanship. In the monument said to have been that of Capys, the founder of Capua, a bronze tablet was discovered, written with Greek letters and words to this effect: “Whenever the bones of Capys are found, a descendant of his will be killed by a band of kinsmen and then will be avenged by great disasters for Italy.”9 (2) Nobody should think this is unhistorical or made up, as Cornelius Balbus, a very close friend of Caesar, is the source.

  A few days before his death, Caesar learned that the flocks of horses which he had dedicated when he crossed the Rubicon River and allowed to wander around without a guard were stubbornly refusing to eat and were weeping profusely. The soothsayer Spurinna also warned him, as he sacrificed, that he should beware a danger that would make its appearance no later than the Ides of March. (3) On the day before the Ides, a wren flew into the Hall of Pompey with a sprig of laurel branch; a flock of different types of birds from a nearby grove followed it and tore it apart there.10

  Moreover, the night before his murder, Caesar himself dreamt that first he was flying through the sky above the clouds, then shaking hands with Jupiter. His wife Calpurnia thought that the pediment of their house was collapsing and her husband was being stabbed in her lap. And all of a sudden, the door of their bedroom even flew open spontaneously.

  (4) Because of these things and because of his poor health, Caesar hesitated a long time whether he should stay at home and postpone the business he had planned to conduct in the Senate. Finally, Decimus Brutus urged him that he should not let down men who had been gathered a long time waiting, and, shortly before noon, Caesar set out. When a letter describing the plot was given to him by somebody on the way, Caesar added it to the others that he held in his left hand, planning to read it later.

  Then, after many victims had been killed in sacrifice, though he could not obtain favorable auspices, he entered the Hall anyway, rejecting religious procedure. He laughed at Spurinna and accused him of being mistaken: the Ides of March had co
me without any harm. Spurinna said that while they had indeed come, they had not yet passed.

  82. As Caesar sat, the conspirators stood around him, pretending to pay their respects. Cimber Tillius, who had been assigned the lead role, drew closer to Caesar, as if to ask him something. When Caesar shook his head and signaled with a gesture that he would deal with the matter at another time, Cimber grabbed his toga at both shoulders.

  “This is violence!” Caesar shouted, as one of the two Cascas stabbed him from behind, a little below his throat. (2) Caesar grabbed the arm of Casca, thrust his writing stylus through it, tried to jump up, but was then slowed down by another wound. When he realized that daggers were drawn and he was being attacked on all sides, he covered his head with his toga while also drawing its folds down to his ankles with his left hand. This way he would die more honorably, with the lower part of his body covered.

  And so he was stabbed with twenty-three wounds, letting out only a single groan, without any words, at the first blow—even if some have related that, as Marcus Brutus rushed at him, he said: “You too, my child?”11 (3) Everyone ran away and he lay there lifeless for some time until, placed on a litter, with one arm hanging off the side, he was carried home by three ordinary slaves. In the view of the doctor Antistius, among so many wounds, none was found to be fatal except the one Caesar took second in his chest. (Divine Julius 76–82.3)

  76. Praegrauant tamen cetera facta dictaque eius, ut et abusus dominatione et iure caesus existimetur. non enim honores modo nimios recepit: continuum consulatum, perpetuam dictaturam praefecturamque morum, insuper praenomen Imperatoris, cognomen Patris patriae, statuam inter reges, suggestum in orchestra; sed et ampliora etiam humano fastigio decerni sibi passus est: sedem auream in curia et pro tribunali, tensam et ferculum circensi pompa, templa, aras, simulacra iuxta deos, puluinar, flaminem, lupercos, appellationem mensis e suo nomine; ac nullos non honores ad libidinem cepit et dedit. (2) tertium et quartum consulatum titulo tenus gessit contentus dictaturae potestate decretae cum consulatibus simul atque utroque anno binos consules substituit sibi in ternos nouissimos menses, ita ut medio tempore comitia nulla habuerit praeter tribunorum et aedilium plebis praefectosque pro praetoribus constituerit, qui apsente se res urbanas administrarent. pridie autem Kalendas Ianuarias repentina consulis morte cessantem honorem in paucas horas petenti dedit. (3) eadem licentia spreto patrio more magistratus in pluris annos ordinauit, decem praetoris uiris consularia ornamenta tribuit, ciuitate donatos et quosdam e semibarbaris Gallorum recepit in curiam. praeterea monetae publicisque uectigalibus peculiares seruos praeposuit. trium legionum, quas Alexandreae relinquebat, curam et imperium Rufioni liberti sui filio exoleto suo demandauit.

  77. nec minoris inpotentiae uoces propalam edebat, ut Titus Amp[r]ius scribit: nihil esse rem publicam, appellationem modo sine corpore ac specie. Sullam nescisse litteras, qui dictaturam deposuerit. debere homines consideratius iam loqui secum ac pro legibus habere quae dicat. eoque arrogantiae progressus est, ut haruspice tristia et sine corde exta quondam nuntiante futura diceret laetiora, cum uellet; nec pro ostento ducendum, si pecudi cor defuisset.

  78. Verum praecipuam et exitiabilem sibi inuidiam hinc maxime mouit. adeuntis se cum plurimis honorificentissimisque decretis uniuersos patres conscriptos sedens pro aede Veneris Genetricis excepit. quidam putant retentum a Cornelio Balbo, cum conaretur assurgere; alii, ne conatum quidem omnino, sed etiam admonentem Gaium Trebatium ut assurgeret minus familiari uultu respexisse. (2) idque factum eius tanto intolerabilius est uisum, quod ipse triumphanti et subsellia tribunicia praeteruehenti sibi unum e collegio Pontium Aquilam non assurrexisse adeo indignatus sit, ut proclamauerit: “repete ergo a me Aquila rem publicam tribunus!” et nec destiterit per continuos dies quicquam cuiquam nisi sub exceptione polliceri: “si tamen per Pontium Aquilam licuerit.”

  79. adiecit ad tam insignem despecti senatus contumeliam multo arrogantius factum. nam cum in sacrificio Latinarum reuertente eo inter inmodicas ac nouas populi acclamationes quidam e turba statuae eius coronam lauream candida fascia praeligata inposuisset et tribuni plebis Epidius Marullus Caesetiusque Flauus coronae fasciam detrahi hominemque duci in uincula iussissent, dolens seu parum prospere motam regni mentionem siue, ut ferebat, ereptam sibi gloriam recusandi, tribunos grauiter increpitos potestate priuauit. (2) neque ex eo infamiam affectati etiam regii nominis discutere ualuit, quanquam et plebei regem se salutanti Caesarem se, non regem esse responderit et Lupercalibus pro rostris a consule Antonio admotum saepius capiti suo diadema reppulerit atque in Capitolium Ioui Optimo Maximo miserit. (3) quin etiam uaria fama percrebruit migraturum Alexandream uel Ilium, translatis simul opibus imperii exhaustaque Italia dilectibus et procuratione urbis amicis permissa, proximo autem senatu Lucium Cottam quindecimuirum sententiam dicturum, ut, quoniam fatalibus libris contineretur Parthos nisi a rege non posse uinci, Caesar rex appellaretur.

  80. quae causa coniuratis maturandi fuit destinata negotia, ne assentiri necesse esset.

  Consilia igitur dispersim antea habita et quae saepe bini terniue ceperant, in unum omnes contulerunt, ne populo quidem iam praesenti statu laeto, sed clam palamque detrectante dominationem atque assertores flagitante. (2) peregrinis in senatum allectis libellus propositus est: “Bonum factum: ne quis senatori nouo curiam monstrare uelit!” et illa uulgo canebantur:

  Gallos Caesar in triumphum ducit, idem

  in curiam:

  Galli bracas deposuerunt, latum clauum

  sumpserunt.

  Quinto Maximo suffecto trimenstrique consule theatrum introeunte, cum lictor animaduerti ex more iussisset, ab uniuersis conclamatum est non esse eum consulem. (3) post remotos Caesetium et Marullum tribunos reperta sunt proximis comitiis complura suffragia consules eos declarantium. subscripsere quidam Luci Bruti statuae: “utinam uiueres!” item ipsius Caesaris:

  Brutus, quia reges eiecit, consul primus

  factus est:

  hic, quia consules eiecit, rex postremo

  factus est.

  (4) conspiratum est in eum a sexaginta amplius, Gaio Cassio Marcoque et Decimo Bruto principibus conspirationis. qui primum cunctati utrumne in Campo per comitia tribus ad suffragia uocantem partibus diuisis e ponte deicerent atque exceptum trucidarent, an in Sacra uia uel in aditu theatri adorirentur, postquam senatus Idibus Martiis in Pompei curiam edictus est, facile tempus et locum praetulerunt.

  81. Sed Caesari futura caedes euidentibus prodigiis denuntiata est. paucos ante menses, cum in colonia Capua deducti lege Iulia coloni ad extruendas uillas uetustissima sepulcra dis[s]icerent idque eo studiosius facerent, quod aliquantum uasculorum operis antiqui scrutantes reperiebant, tabula aenea in monimento, in quo dicebatur Capys conditor Capuae sepultus, inuenta est conscripta litteris uerbisque Graecis hac sententia: quandoque ossa Capyis detecta essent, fore ut illo prognatus manu consanguineorum necaretur magnisque mox Italiae cladibus uindicaretur. (2) cuius rei, ne quis fabulosam aut commenticiam putet, auctor est Cornelius Balbus, familiarissimus Caesaris. proximis diebus equorum greges, quos in traiciendo Rubiconi flumini consecrarat ac uagos et sine custode dimiserat, comperit pertinacissime pabulo abstinere ubertimque flere. et immolantem haruspex Spurinna monuit, caueret periculum, quod non ultra Martias Idus proferretur. (3) pridie autem easdem Idus auem regaliolum cum laureo ramulo Pompeianae curiae se inferentem uolucres uarii generis ex proximo nemore persecutae ibidem discerpserunt. ea uero nocte, cui inluxit dies caedis, et ipse sibi uisus est per quietem interdum supra nubes uolitare, alias cum Ioue dextram iungere; et Calpurnia uxor imaginata est conlabi fastigium domus maritumque in gremio suo confodi; ac subito cubiculi fores sponte patuerunt.

  (4) Ob haec simul et ob infirmam ualitudinem diu cunctatus an se contineret et quae apud senatum proposuerat agere differret, tandem Decimo Bruto adhortante, ne frequentis ac iam dudum opperientis destitueret, quinta fere hora progressus est libellumque insidiarum indicem ab obuio quodam porrectum libellis ceteris, quos sinistra manu tenebat, quasi mox lecturus commiscuit. dein pluribus hostiis caesis, cum litare non p
osset, introiit curiam spreta religione Spurinnamque irridens et ut falsum arguens, quod sine ulla sua noxa Idus Martiae adessent: quanquam is uenisse quidem eas diceret, sed non praeterisse.

  82. assidentem conspirati specie officii circumsteterunt, ilicoque Cimber Tillius, qui primas partes susceperat, quasi aliquid rogaturus propius accessit renuentique et gestu[m] in aliud tempus differenti ab utroque umero togam adprehendit: deinde clamantem: “ista quidem uis est!” alter e Cascis auersum uulnerat paulum infra iugulum. (2) Caesar Cascae brachium arreptum graphio traiecit conatusque prosilire alio uulnere tardatus est; utque animaduertit undique se strictis pugionibus peti, toga caput obuoluit, simul sinistra manu sinum ad ima crura deduxit, quo honestius caderet etiam inferiore corporis parte uelata. atque ita tribus et uiginti plagis confossus est uno modo ad primum ictum gemitu sine uoce edito, etsi tradiderunt quidam Marco Bruto irruenti dixisse: καὶ σὺ τέκνον; (3) exanimis diffugientibus cunctis aliquamdiu iacuit, donec lecticae impositum, dependente brachio, tres seruoli domum rettulerunt. nec in tot uulneribus, ut Antistius medicus existimabat, letale ullum repertum est, nisi quod secundo loco in pectore acceperat.

  Tiberius

  SPEND ALL YOUR TIME AT YOUR RESORT

  Tiberius (42 B.C.–A.D. 37)

  This chapter features a lengthy segment from the life of Tiberius (who became emperor in A.D. 14) that details the emperor’s vices—including hard drinking, sexual perversion, and cruelty. Many of the stories are set on the isle of Capri, the beautiful and isolated spot where Tiberius spent most of the last decade of his life, neglecting his public duties in Rome.

  Tiberius was the son of Augustus’ third wife, the formidable Livia Drusilla. While Augustus hoped an heir of his own blood might succeed him, he ultimately was forced to adopt Tiberius in A.D. 4 and give him the name of Caesar.